Laura Rowley Money & Happiness

I found myself down in the mouth recently over a financial dilemma. Actually, I was down in my daughter's mouth, considering the question: Silver filling or white?

My dental insurance covers amalgam (silver) fillings. It doesn't cover the composite (white) fillings as they're more expensive. So it costs me $68 for the tooth-colored filling vs. nothing for the amalgam. I chose the amalgam. What's the point of paying for dental insurance, I thought, if it doesn't cover a filling?

For my daughter's next dental appointment (weak enamel runs in the family), my husband made the trip. He shelled out the $68 for the composite. When I asked him why, he declared, "Only the best for my daughter!"

And herein lies the debate: What do you owe your kids? His response made me think: Am I too cheap? Will my kid one day find herself auditioning for "American Idol," hitting the high note, only to be dismissed by the evil Simon when he glimpses her silver molars?

Or is my husband taking the reckless road? Is he the middle-class version of the fathers in the WE cable program "Daddy's Spoiled Little Girl," who take their daughters on shopping sprees in Paris, throw "faux Mitzvah" parties, and buy them $200,000 Bentleys?

Purse Strings and Family Ties

I reminded myself of my firmly held belief that I owe my kids unconditional love, a home, and the best education I can afford -- not designer dental fillings. Unfortunately, that broad definition doesn't help us draw the line financially -- especially the "best education" part.

For instance, I recently asked friends if they could recommend swim classes, something my six-year-old requested. I was considering a recreation center that offered 10 lessons for $9 each. A few people recommended private instructors. I checked out the instructors' Web site -- more than $40 a lesson. Yikes.

To keep the activity/budget dilemma in balance, I developed a few house rules:

• Consider the wonderful free (or nearly free) activities offered by the school first. I think most eight-year-olds (with the exception of musical prodigies), a school-choir experience is just as meaningful as private voice lessons. (Activities on school grounds also mean less shuttling in our two-career household.)

• Ask the teacher if she offers a two-for-one discount for siblings and back-to-back appointments -- something my piano teacher has been kind enough to do. This minimizes both cost and driving.

• If the kids want the class, they have to practice -- every day. This is not only because I hate wasting money, but also due to researchers' finding that developing self-discipline is a critical factor in adult success.

"Self control makes you get better grades, have better relationships, makes you more successful in personal life, and able to be moral," says Dr. Roy Baumeister, an author and social psychologist at Florida State University, who has studied the concept. "People with self-control have less pathology, and they're less prone to various problems, whether it's crime, drinking, or eating disorders."

A recent study in "Psychological Science" by Angela Duckworth and Martin Seligman at the University of Pennsylvania found that self-discipline predicted a teenager's grades more than IQ score. Not surprisingly, a 1995 study found that people with high self-control manage their money better than other people, saving more and spending less.

• If the activity interferes with family dinners, it's gone. I know this will be tougher to enforce when they're teens. But the evidence is overwhelming that family dinners -- not extracurricular activities -- help a child become a well-adjusted adult. In her recent book "The Surprising Power of Family Meals" (Steerforth, 2005), author Miriam Weinstein reviews numerous research studies outlining the benefits: Better grades and reading skills; higher emotional stability; lower risks of alcohol, tobacco, and drug use; and lower risks of depression, eating disorders, and teen pregnancy.

• Just because they're involved in multiple activities, the kids still have to pitch in with routine chores, like setting or clearing the dinner table, or picking up their clothes. A household is a community, and they need to understand the value of contributing to the community despite their personal schedules.

• I finance our retirement savings and college funds before spending money on extracurricular activities. I'm sure my children would love to have a great backhand in tennis as adults. I'm even more certain they would prefer to avoid a mountain of student debt -- and their father and myself living in their attic.

Within that framework, my kids are pretty much free to choose what they please. I establish and stay within a rough budget each season (fall, spring, early summer) to cover the cost of three classes per child (a sport, a musical instrument and a special interest like science or ceramics). My eight-year-old participates in six after-school activities (although they don't meet every week, and a couple of them are free through school).

A Lesson in Prioritizing

I realize her load might make our family suspect in the eyes of certain psychologists who have decried the educational activity crunch. Books like "The Over-Scheduled Child" by Dr. Alvin Rosenfeld and Nicole Wise (St. Martin's Griffin, 2001) make the case for a more unstructured childhood, like the kind I experienced. It revolved around games you played in the street (kick the can) or in the basement (Monopoly, Chinese checkers), and stuff you could access by bike (town pool, public tennis courts).

But I wouldn't say my unstructured time was more imaginative than my kids' scheduled time. Frankly, I was bored a lot and watched too much TV (and there were only six channels back then). When I ask my kids if they feel stressed by their schedules, they say no, they're having fun. We research programs that reflect their desires and then narrow them down to what we can afford. If anything, it's an exercise in prioritizing that will hopefully help them manage their own money more effectively.

As for the swimming lessons, I went with the recreation center. My daughter has a lifetime to perfect her backstroke.