Laura Rowley Money & Happiness

Money can't make a relationship, but it can surely break it.

"Money is symbolically loaded for most people," says Olivia Mellan, a psychotherapist and author who has specialized in money therapy for two decades. "It represents love, power, security, control, happiness, self-worth. Couples tend to polarize around everything. They get in opposition modes and attack each other for their differences."

Because money carries so much symbolic meaning, if couples avoid talking about money, we also fail to address powerful issues that can sink a relationship.

"Keep Out of My Business"

Take Rhonda J., 52. She's the director of human resources for a Wall Street investment firm, earning $350,000 a year. But when she orders take-out from her local Chinese restaurant, she always washes out and saves the plastic containers.

"Some habits are hard to kill," she says. Rhonda grew up in a blue-collar family in New Jersey, and her mother always lived frugally, even washing aluminum foil so she could reuse it. "Money is security," Rhonda says. "I feel that way because I grew up without it."

Rhonda earned two master's degrees from an Ivy League university. She married her college sweetheart at 24 and went to work at an investment bank while her husband ran his own law practice. "He was the youngest in a very successful family," she explains, adding that a sibling and several cousins were multimillionaires. "Money was a way they kept score. The way you presented yourself in life was important -- you always had to look good."

Rhonda says on a number of occasions, her husband would get a large check from a case and suggest the family go on vacation. "I would say, 'Don't you have to put 50 percent away for taxes?' And he would say, 'Keep out of my business,'" Rhonda recalls.

Financial Bombshell

After a decade of marriage, they had three children and bought a larger home, doubling their mortgage's size. Just a few months later, her husband surprised her with a Mercedes on her birthday; and some months afterward, a designer watch at Christmas. She was appreciative -- but uncomfortable with the spending, given their mortgage obligation.

Shortly thereafter, her husband dropped a financial bombshell: He owed the government $36,000 in back taxes. "He was so reckless with his spending on gifts," she says. "I couldn't figure out how this could happen. We had great educations, we were dual-career. I grew up with these lessons -- you save money to buy a car, you don't get into debt -- and this was humiliating and embarrassing."

In the arguing that ensued, Rhonda's husband suggested she quit her job and become a stay-at-home mom. "I said, 'I don't think that's an option right now. We need my income just to survive,'" she recalls. They tried marriage counseling but eventually divorced.

Power Struggle

With Valentine's Day around the corner, it's not a bad idea to think about what money means to you so as to keep your relationships harmonious. For example, Rhonda equated money with security and control. For her husband, money was linked to prestige and self-worth. "By buying me all these things he was showing other people what a good provider he was," she says. "That wasn't my value set, but it was important to him."

Their money beliefs created an intense power struggle: Working helped Rhonda feel secure; her financial success caused her husband to feel insecure. Spending made him feel worthy but Rhonda anxious.

When the crisis of back taxes brought the issue to a head, she wanted him to control his spending -- a significant part of his self-worth and prestige. He responded by asking her to sacrifice her job -- a crucial source of her security and control. In their earning-spending tug of war, the fight for survival had everything -- and nothing -- to do with money.

Opposites Attract

What do you expect from your partner, financially speaking? It's a question we don't often ask. It seems crass. But honestly confronting that question can rid us of false expectations and assumptions that lead to trouble.

Money also creates conflict because opposite money styles attract. "I see a lot of couples where the men are spenders and the women hoarders. If they don't attract, then they create each other," says Mellan. "If you have two money worriers, one person will become an avoider to get away from the worry. If you have two hoarders, they'll fight each other to see who can become the superhoarder -- and the other will learn to spend by comparison."

Mellan advises couples to find a low-stress time to discuss money. Don't have the conversation while you're paying bills or doing taxes. "Talk about what money was like in your family of origin, what money messages you might have gotten from that, and how it might have affected you up to today," she says. "Don't interrupt -- really listen to each other."

Planning for Happiness

Then, discuss your secret envies and appreciation of your partner's style, she says. A hoarder might admire a spender's generosity and ability to give -- but won't say so because he or she is afraid the partner will spend more.

Share your fears and hopes -- and talk about what scares you about the other person's style. "Do it in a way that's not attacking; talk about your own feelings," Mellan suggests. Separately create lists of your short-, medium- and long-term goals, then come together to harmonize both lists, she advises. And try on your partner's money style, at least once a week, writing down how you feel about playing that role.

Also decide which one of you will be the family's chief financial officer. If you both hate dealing with money, trade off paying the bills month to month and talk to a certified financial planner about the bigger picture. No one should be in the dark about how much you have or where the money is going.

An open discussion of your money philosophies and a little planning can go a long way toward eliminating money-related relationship strife.